I'm not a single mother and am not yet sure if I want to be one — but I'm thinking about it. Should I join now or wait?

Being a member of SMC is probably most helpful to those who are thinking about whether or not to become a single mother. This is such a big decision — and one that often is not easy to discuss in a neutral way with family or friends. Our members will be glad to share their experiences and lend their support to you while you decide whether or not single motherhood will be a good choice for you.

How do I contact an SMC chapter or members near me?

We are very protective of our members' privacy, and so we only give the names of our members to other members. To contact local chapters and members of SMC in your area, you need to first become a member of the SMC national organization, or a newsletter subscriber, and you will then receive contact information. To receive membership forms and our brochure, please send an e-mail to SMC, at smc-office@pipeline.com and request that we send you our brochure. Be sure to include your postal address.

If you'd prefer not to do this by e-mail, you can call our office at any time and leave a message with your name and postal address — the office number is (212) 988-0993 — or send a note to SMC, P.O. Box 1642, New York NY 10028.

Who are the members of SMC?

The average age of our members is 35, and nearly all have completed college or beyond. Almost half of our members are "thinkers" (as we call those women who have not yet decided whether or not they want to become single mothers) and the rest are trying to adopt or conceive, or are already mothers. About 52 percent of the mothers conceived a child by donor insemination, and approximately 25 percent have adopted. About 20 percent have become pregnant with a "known donor" or sex partner, although they are raising their child alone. We are a diverse group of women, including teachers, lawyers, doctors, bankers, nurses, business owners, and more. We are of all races, religions, ethnic groups, and lifestyles, from all over the United States and abroad. The main thing that we have in common is our belief that a woman can successfully raise a child on her own. Feel free to take a look at our pictures page for photos of some of our members and their children.

Are divorced mothers eligible to become members of SMC?

About half of our members are women who became single mothers AFTER their divorce. Since we define an SMC as a single woman who CHOSE to have or adopt a child, if you are divorced and have had or adopted a child after the divorce, or are considering having a child on your own, you would be welcome to join SMC.

If you have a child from a marriage that ended in divorce, you would be eligible to join SMC only if you were considering having a second child as a single mother or had already had or adopted a second child on your own. The reasoning behind this is that there are other groups for divorced moms that can offer support on typical divorce issues, such as child support and visitation, more effectively than we can, as these are not issues with which a single mother by choice has to grapple.

I am not sure if I can become comfortable with donor insemination or adoption. Can you help me with this?

The decision to become a single mother by choice is one with lifelong consequences and which should be given a great deal of thought. When a woman is in her midthirties, often one of her most pressing concerns is how long should she wait to find "Mr. Right" and how and when should she give up on the dream of conceiving a child within a loving relationship. Should she become a single mother — or risk possibly never having a child?

It is indeed a leap to move from the dream of having a child within a loving relationship to becoming a single mother by donor insemination or adoption, but it is a leap that an increasing number of women are making every year.

Some of us had no difficulty with the idea of using medical technology to conceive a much-wanted child, while others of us needed time and conversation with others in SMC in order to become comfortable with the idea. Donor insemination is a topic that engenders lively discussions on our "Trying To Conceive" (TTC) e-mail list and at local SMC meetings. We discuss sperm banks, the technology, the terminology, the pros and cons of using a known donor vs. an unknown donor, when to move from conception to adoption, and more.

Is it possible for a single woman to adopt a baby?

The simple answer is YES! About 25 percent of our members have adopted a baby either domestically or from abroad. We have lively discussions on our "Adopt" e-mail list and at local SMC meetings about which countries and agencies are more "single friendly" and how to get through the adoption bureaucracies and paperwork. The adoption world is a very complex one, but the wealth of information can ultimately be of help to you. It's not necessary to reinvent the wheel — many of our members have been there, done that, and are willing to help you sort through it and help you to reach your goal of adopting a child.

What will I say when my child asks about "daddy " if I conceive by anonymous donor insemination?

We all want our children to have the best possible lives, and one of our concerns has always been about how the children will feel about being conceived in this nontraditional way. On our "Mothering" e-mail list, and at our local meetings, discussions and anecdotes about this topic abound, along with other more universal parenting questions. The mothers give one another greatly needed support and share their experiences about dealing with this topic with their children.

Interestingly, now that the children of our original members are in their twenties, we are seeing that the children seem to be much more comfortable with being in nontraditional families than most of us would have expected. We also have seen that the more comfortable the mother is about not having a "daddy" in the family, the easier it seems to be for the child to come to terms with it.

Do single mothers by choice ever find a husband or partner after having a child?

Yes, some of us do get married after having one, or even two children. In fact most of our members find that dating and relationships become more relaxed once they have a child. It's no longer necessary to rush things, the pressure is off, we are less lonely, and a relationship can be looked at more objectively.

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